Hello gentle Americans. The winter months are now upon us and what do we associate them most with? The cold, snuggling or less light? No! I associate dry skin with the winter winds. How do I maintain my milky white skins suppleness? Vaseline. Many people in the organic beauty industry poo-poo Vaseline as a miracle remedy, but the studies done on Vaseline are inconclusive as to its health detriments. That’s why I use Vaseline to keep my rough spots smooth. But what is Vaseline?
Vaseline (also know as petroleum jelly) has been in use since the 1860’s. A chemist from New York, who upon visiting an oil rig, noticed the raw material of petrolatum (a gooey substance known as “rod wax”) stuck to the drilling rigs. After much experimentation, he developed a process to distill the rod wax into petrolatum.
In its pure form, petrolatum is considered safe, but its varied and unregulated manufacturing procedures make the goopy jelly vulnerable to contamination by foreign elements, which may or may not pose cancer risks or other health issues. There is generally no way to know how the petrolatum was manufactured. Hence the big question, “Should I use it or not?” In moderation I am sure it is fine. Besides there are many other things in this world that are far worse for you; like eating fast food. That will surely send you to an early grave quicker than Vaseline. And at least with Vaseline you will die with soft skin. Vaseline is not just for personal grooming; it can do a host of things. Some, which will amaze you. Here is a list of some of Vaseline’s many uses:
For the Do-It-Your-selfer
Keep an outdoor light bulb from sticking
Have you ever unscrewed a light bulb and found yourself holding the glass while the metal base remains in the socket? It won’t happen again if you remember to apply petroleum jelly to the base of the bulb before screwing it into the fixture. This is an especially good idea for light bulbs used outdoors.
Remove watermarks on wood
Your most recent party left lots of watermark rings on your wood furniture. To make them disappear, apply petroleum jelly and let it sit overnight. In the morning, wipe the watermark away with the jelly.
Around the House
Take out lipstick stains
You set the table at that lovely dinner party with your favorite cloth napkins, but your girlfriends left their mark all over them. Now dotted with lipstick stains, those napkins may be headed for the trash. But try this first. Before you wash them, blot petroleum jelly on the stain. Launder as usual and hopefully you will kiss the stains good-bye.
Eject wax from candlesticks
The long red tapers you used at last night’s candlelit dinner were a beautiful sight until you saw the candle wax drippings left in the candle holders. Next time apply petroleum jelly to the insides of the holders before you put the candles in. The wax will pop out for easy cleaning.
Remove chewing gum from wood
Did you discover bubble gum stuck under the dining room table or behind the headboard of Junior’s bed? Trouble yourself about it no further. Squeeze some petroleum jelly on the offending wad, rub it in until the gum starts to disintegrate, then remove.
Keep a bottle lid from sticking
If you’re having a hard time unscrewing that bottle of glue or nail polish, remember this tip for when you finally do get it open. Rub a little petroleum jelly along the rim of the bottle. Next time, the top won’t stick.
For Personal Grooming
Moisturize your lips and more
If you don’t want to pay a lot for expensive lip balm, makeup remover, or even facial moisturizer, then your answer is a tube of petroleum jelly. It can soothe lips; take off foundation, eye shadow, mascara, and more. It will even act as a moisturizer on your face.
Make emergency makeup
Oh no! You’ve run out of your favorite shade of eye shadow. What do you do now? It’s easy — make your own. Add a bit of food coloring to petroleum jelly and apply as usual. This is a quick way to make stopgap blush, lipstick, or eye shadow.
Lengthen the life of perfume
You’ve picked out a great scent to wear on your night out, but it’s got to last. Worry not. Dab a bit of petroleum jelly on your pulse points. Then spray on the perfume. Now you can dance the night away and not worry about your perfume turning in early.
Soften chapped hands
If you’re constantly applying hand lotion to your tired, chapped hands, but then taking it off again so you can get more work done, try this tip. Apply a liberal amount of petroleum jelly to your hands just before you go to bed. By morning, they’ll be soft and smooth.
Smooth wild eyebrow hairs
If you have runaway eyebrows — the ones where the hairs won’t lie flat but curl up instead, control the wildness with some petroleum jelly. Rub a dab into your brows. They’ll calm down and behave.
Heal wind burned skin
You’ve just had a glorious hike through the countryside in autumn. And as much as you enjoyed the changing colors of the season, the hike has left you with an unpleasant souvenir: windburn. Grab a jar of petroleum jelly and apply it liberally to your face or wherever you’ve been chapped. The jelly helps relieve the pain.
Use as a lube
Of course you crafty fags from the 1970′s have been using Vaseline as a lubricant. Hence that is why all these 70 year old queens have the face of an shriveled apple but the cocks of a fifteen year old. I would not recommend using them with condoms, but as a gel to masturbate with it is extremely handy.
Beauty does not have to be expensive my dears. Why even the great diva herself, Tyra Banks, turns to her simple tub of Vaseline at night. If it is good enough for Miss Money Banks it has to be good enough for you.