Latrice Royale

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT! Season 4, episode 11 of RuPaul’s Drag Race

Apr 10, 2012
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In episode 11 of RuPaul’s Drag Race each girl was paired with a queens best friend. No, not an eight ball or a Kylie Minogue CD- but a dog.

Chad Michaels

The blood thirsty Phi-Phi O’hara was aptly paired with a drooling bloodhound. Sharon Needles working against type, featuring a fluffy white poodle man groomed to and inch of its life. Latrice Royal, the gentle giant, was handed a little ball of fluff that I greatly feared for its life. In a moment of hunger she might have mistaken it for an appetizer and scarfed it down. Chad Michaels had some Chinese crusted thing with thinning hair and scrawny legs. Sort of looked like Chad out of drag.   Sadly I was disappointed that they did not bring back Kenya Michaels as some bushy haired mutt, lapping at the drag queens heels

They had to create three separate looks centered on their canines: pooch in a purse, daytime dog park and canine couture. Celebrity judges Rose McGowen (who is looking like some tranny hooker you would find advertised in the back of the Village Voice), and country superstar Wynonna Judd (who looked like she ate the rest of the Judd family along with Latrice’s dog) added very little excitement to an already monotonous episode. I wanted to grab my pooper-scooper and dump them into a trash bin.

The Drag Queens adorned their garments with fake fur. If I were their dog it would have put the fear of god in me. One accident on the carpet and the petrified pooch would be whipped up into a delightful fur muff. Toning down her makeup, Sharon did pull off a sunny daytime look in a simple sundress with a honey blond wig, showing the judges she had ‘range’. The rest of her looks were lack luster and lazy, spending most of her time hot gluing white fun fur onto a pair of thigh high black vinyl boots. When she strode down the runway, with her white poodle, I swear I saw one of her boots take a crap on the floor.

Phi Phi’s snaggle tooth and lopsided right eye, added a nice touch to her Little Kim daytime look that she stole directly from Kenya Michael’s closet. As Phi Phi strutted down the runway with her bloodhound, I was not sure who was walking who down the runway.

According to Michele Visage Chad’s looks were matronly, leaving Chad, for the first time in the bottom two along with Latrice Royal. If I had to lip-synch a Wynonna Judd song I would have pulled off my pump and stabbed myself in the eye. They slept walked through Wynona’s song, bringing the episode to a screeching halt, when it should have been knocked through the roof with some hot track. Chad was saved and Latrice was sent home. Not before she tearfully told Ru how Ru has changed the face of drag forever. Yea, she has given drag a clef lip and a glass eye.

Next week I predict Chad will be given the boot and archenemies Sharon and Phi Phi will battle it out to be Americas next drag super star!

 

Stay fresh,

x

END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT: RuPAUL’S DRAG RACE EPISODE 4

Feb 21, 2012
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Hello gentle Americans. My stomach is still churning after last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Would someone please tell the girls to keep their shirts on? If I have to see Latrice Royale’s man boobs ever again I will cancel my cable and go back to reading books. Now that’s desperation my dears. Everyone says that Kenya Michael’s is a beauty. Am I the only one who sees a touch of Down Syndrome in her face? Next time look at her droopy eyelids, and mouth slightly ajar, as she is critiqued. She should have been cast in that terrible Lifetime television movie, “Riding the Bus With My Sister”, starring Rosie O’Donnell.

The girl you most likely want to beat with a bag of oranges goes to Wilam. How many times an episode does she have to proclaim,” I am a television actress. I was on Sex In The City.” Has anyone seen her on TV besides RuPaul’s Drag Race? Anybody?!? Does playing a dead hooker on CSI count as being on TV?

 

The lip-synch for you life segment was so desperate leaving a bad taste in my mouth. Or was it that trick I blew before hours earlier? Milan was pitted against Madame LaQueer and Milan was not going to go down with the ship. She pulled out every tired drag trick in the book: She tore off her wig, did a split and dragged her tranny nut clusters across the stage, pulled out a dark lip-gloss from her bra and applied it (which suspiciously did not match the lip gloss she was wearing during the challenge), and stripped off her dress and stood there in her bra and wig and finished off her number. Madame LaQueer tried to compete with Milan and pulled off her own wig revealing her receding hairline. A receding hairline is not cute on a girl. Milan won the challenge and was immediately rushed to the hospital to remove the splinters from her taint.
The main challenge was sitcom acting and the two teams were given scripts about a women’s prison. I think the episode was titled, “Take acting classes you stupid bitches.” Milan and Wilam, both trained actors, were obviously trained by a pack mule and the only standout in the episode was Latrice Royale. Perhaps her time in the clink helped her channel the role of the head prison guard?

 

Sharon Kneedles battle of the words with her archenemy Phi-Phi O’Hara was delicious. Sharon mumbling in the mirror, as she painted on her clown lips, “I am the future of drag. I am the future of drag,” left me wondering if she is the future of drag I pray that a comet hits the planet sometime soon. Who will be booted next week? I suspect it will be Milan. Though I love her to bits I am not sure if she has that certain something that makes her America’s next top Drag Queen.

 

Stay Fresh,

x

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 4 Episode 3-The Princess looses her crown

Feb 14, 2012
6 Comments

Hello gentle Americans.  Last nights episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race was a glittery cow pie. RuPaul’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard. She has one setting-loud!  But that setting has made her an international star; the gentle variations in tone of my golden throat has made me…made me……can anyone fill in the blank?

The opening challenge had a very special guest. With a wave of Ru’s hand, two hot boys carried in this tiny little lady. At first I thought it was Madonna revisiting her amazing entrance at the Super Bowl. But I was wrong; it was the physically challenged drag diva, Pia. It seems she has this condition where her legs never grew, just leaving her a torso, luscious long arms, and a strong head adorned with a brown wig. One may ask, “What is a drag queen without a pair of hot heels?” In Pia’s case, fantabulous! The gals had to create a headdress for Pia to wear in her next video. Phi Phi and her team were victorious!  If I had a heart this segment would have tugged on it. Though it did give me an idea on how I can get some screen time on Drag Race- I am going to bill myself as the Drag Queen with no press-on nails. If that does not say physically challenged, I don’t know what does.

The main challenge was for the girls to create infomercials from RuPaul’s music catalogue. Obviously Ru needs to make some dough to buy another hooker and a bump of glitter to snort up her well-contoured nose. Otherwise, why push her songs so hard?  The drag denizens were broken up into two teams: Phi Phi O’Hara leading one and the drag chupacabra, Kenya Michaels leading the other. What is a chupacabra? The chupacabra (“goat sucker”) is an animal said to be unknown to science and systemically killing animals in places like Puerto Rico, Miami, Nicaragua, Chile, and Mexico. No need to look further great men of science; I have discovered this evil creature and she is currently sucking the blood out of Latrice Royal’s leg.

chupacabra

Since Kenya has a limited grasp of the English Language, Milan decided it was her job to take over and created a concept- the 80’s. Since RuPaul had been around since the 1880’s I felt it was a great theme. Highlights from her team….I don’t remember. Perhaps it was all the acid I did in the 60’s. That is the 1960’s you bitches! The other team, lead by Phi Phi, did not have a cohesive theme. Allowing each girl to make it up as they went along. Somehow Jiggly Caliente felt playing a geisha, looking more like a drag sumo wrestler, was the best way to promote Ru’s songs. It is a great way to promote moo shu pork, but a dance track? Not so much.

The Princess once again found herself at the bottom, along with Dida Ritz. It was up to the judges to decide who would stay and who would go. The extremely thin Natalie Cole and the chubby black girl from Glee watched in horror as The Princess tried to lip-synch one of Natalie Cole’s hits. The bald bimbo once again showed the world that a drag personality, does not need to have personality, to be chosen as a contestant on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Dida (of the worst wigs in the world) Ritz danced circles around The Princess giving her motion sickness. Needless to say The Princess got the guillotine and I needed a Dramamine.

Who will be on the cutting room floor next week? I suspect it will be Madame LaQueer. Though I love her, her ass is too big and her wig is too small to be crowned America’s next drag superstar.

 

Stay fresh,

x

 

LASHAUWN BEYOND IS SENT BACK TO BED, BATH AND BEYOND

Feb 7, 2012
6 Comments

Hello gentle Americans. I have to say this about last night’s episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race-hooray for Hollywood!  Having the ladies battle it out in the wrestling ring was something I have been waiting for, for years. Though I would have preferred it a bit gorier. Heavily lashed eyes being gouged out, high heels thrust into one another’s craniums, and some glitter laced with crushed glass blown into each bitch’s faces, would be a delight to Middle America and myself. Some critiques though: what self-respecting drag-wrestling match does not have a queen get de-wigged? Also, anytime I’ve gotten into a fight, I take my earrings off. A torn ear lobe is not very attractive! This tip I learned that from some Puerto Rican girls on the A train.

 

The runway fashions at the end of the show, for the most part, were cute and I did feel the judge’s critiques of each girl were fairly accurate. Though Latrice Royale’s dress looked like something you could get at Dress Barn. Oh, and am I the only one who is creeped out by Kenya Michael? She looks like a drag sea monkey. In fact I don’t even think she is a drag queen. I suspect she is transgender, which in my opinion should immediately disqualify her. This is about drag my darlings. About brickish men transforming themselves into a glamorous woman. In the case of The Princess, a brick-ish man turning herself into a brick-ish woman. Someone should check Kenya’s hormone level. The Princess was picked in the bottom two, along with Lashauwn Beyond, which I felt should have gone to DiDa Ritz. Her dress and hair in the final runway walk was a tragedy. Her hair was limp and dry and looked like she used it to wipe the sweat of Latrice Royale’s upper lip. She said she was trying to give, Sex In The City. Looked more like Sex In The Shitty.

LASHAUWN BEYONE

 

As Lashauwn and The Princess lip-sanch for their life, Lashauwn made a huge drag faux pas-she kicked off her Lucite heels and performed the number barefoot, covered in flesh tone hose, and The Princess was declared the winner. Though The Princess’s day may be coming to an end and I suspect she will be the next one to get the ax.

 

Stay fresh,

x

 

REVIEW OF EPISODE 1 OF RuPAUL’S DRAG RACE-I am giggly for Jiggly!

Jan 31, 2012
18 Comments

The premiere episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race aired last night on LOGO. The theme was the apocalypse and the girl’s challenge was to create an apocalyptic dress to dazzle the panel of judges. Which included the forever-gorgeous Elvira. During the show I wished the apocalypse had hit the earth, sparing me from the tragedy that lay before my very eyes. The show is basically Project Runway meets Americas Top Model. Nothing unique at all, except for the fact that drag queens star in the program. Trying desperately to have substance, they had some sad tales of drag queens going to prison, DWI’s and telling their mothers about their secret life wearing woman’s panties for a living. Honestly, what self-respecting drag queen has not gone to prison and had at least two DWI’s?

The only thing that saved the show from utter despair was Jiggly Caliente. She is funny, humble, great to look at, and wants the title of Americas Top Drag Queen more than a crack whore wants crack. Having been picked in the bottom two, along with Alisa Summers, whose only talent was looking remotely attractive with a fake breastplate, they had to lip-synch for their life to Britney Spears, ‘Toxic’. Jiggly had stellar dance moves, high energy and a did a split. When that fat bitch hit the floor I thought the stage was going to collapse. Alisa Summers walked around the stage like she was a pilled up zombie (with huge tits), searching for her misplaced car keys. Alisa was chopped and Jiggly was allowed to go on for another day. Warning-don’t go on the road anytime soon, because Alisa is sure to tie one on. DWI number 2 Alisa?

 

Who was this week’s winner? The thieving Sharon Needles, dressed as a mummy, spewing blood from her mouth as she strutted the catwalk. She wants to be hated so badly, the dark outsider. Sharon depicts herself as the edgy rebel, who is better than the other bitches on the show, because she is so ‘different’ so ‘unique’. We all know what will happen to this sad, delusional meth addict- She will soon be on the cutting board and go onto hosting after hour events in Pennsylvania where she thankfully resides. Or perhaps she will start her own cult?

 

Who do I suspect will take the coveted crown?  Sadly I don’t believe it will be NYC’s very own Milan.  She is too good already and frankly not enough of a tragedy. Did you see her fierce runway walk? Chad Michaels? Nope. Once again she is too polished and frankly a tad too old. I can say this, because I am also a tad too old. Will it be that little Puerto Rican, Kenya Michaels, who looks like a drag chupacabra. Nope.  Could Jiggly take the crown? My votes, for now, go to her.

 

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x

EPISODE 1 OF SEASON 4 OF RuPAUL’s DRAG RACE!

Jan 30, 2012
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Hello gentle Americans. Tonight is going to be a momentous occasion-the premiere episode of RuPauls’ Drag Race! I am wearing a simple black dress, with matching hat and veil. It’s the dress I wear to funerals; in fact I wore it to Lady Bunny’s funeral.

There is nothing like a good funeral; the crying, the cloths, the food, the body displayed to perfection. Well,  depending on what they died of. If they have been decapitated, or received some horrendous head injury it makes an open casket very difficult. Not for a trained mortician of course. Reminds me of this funeral I attended. This b-actress was decapitated when a clothing rack fell on top of her head, during a feeding frenzy at a Barney’s Warehouse sale. They could not pry the John Paul Gautier Black & White Polo Dress from her cold hands. The mortician replaced her cranium with a wig head, stapled a head shot of her onto it, plopped a wig on it and wala! No one knew the better.

Oh, where was I? Oh yes, RuPaul’s Drag Race and my little black mourning dress. When the first queen is eliminated I will be prepared- lighting a candle, sitting on box and wailing, tears flowing down my painted cheeks, grabbing at my skin and then I will jump into the grave, as they start piling the dirt upon the coffin crying, “Why God, why! She was so young. A terrible drag queen, but so young!”  Who will be ejected from the clown car? Your guess is as good as mine. Stay tuned!

 

DRAG RACE January 30th/ 9pm on LOGO

 

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RuPAULS’S SEASON 4 CONTESTANT ROUNDUP!

Jan 17, 2012
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Hello gentle Americans.  Season 4 of RuPaul’s Drag Race is almost upon us.  Do you even know who the contestants are? Check out my video and catch up before the big premiere.

 

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