Hello gentle Americans. I am sure you are wondering what Hedda thinks of the recent Oscar nominees?  Of course you do!  I had a dear friend send me some questions, which I answered, with as much candor and wit as a bearded-lady can.

Biggest Fashion Mistake
Hedda: Sandrah Bullock in Blind Side-her hot mom outfits and right-wing blond coif is enough to make a girl hurl.  It is an improvement over her last bomb-All About Steve-where she sports a modified blond mullet. Lesbians might be creaming over that look but it just leaves me bone dry.

Best Drag Cameo Appearance
Hedda: Mariah Carey in Precious.  She is working butch dyke drag: Moustache and brown hair.  She goes from diva to dud in seconds.  Perhaps that’s what she really looks like without her make-up?  Scary huh?

Best Awkward Moment
Hedda: The entire cast from NINE.  The movie was one long awkward moment; Daniel Day-Lewis sounded like Count Chocula, Nicole Kidman vapid and on the cusp of spoiling and the lovely Sophia Lauren beautifully digitally re-mastered.  Sounds like a flop to me!

Best Sexual Moment
Hedda: Maggie Gyllenhaal and Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart.  Drunken, sloppy with the faint hint of vomit and Whisky in the air makes this scene hot, hot, hot.  We’ve all be there, right?

Hottest Male Actor
Hedda: Morgan freeman in Invictus.  Everyone loves a seasoned black man in the sack.  They know how to fuck a girl and are not queasy about having back door sex.  They will also eat your ass until your eyes roll behind your head; not to mention they are usually hung like horses; Or at least a donkey.

Hottest Female Actor
Hedda: Gabourey Sidibe.  A fat black women who totally envelopes her body is  a refreshing thing to see compared to the blond stick figures with eating disorders that dominate the movie industry.  Though I do love me a stick figure in a hot gown from time to time.  Kate Bosworth where are you?

Best Mole on the Face Award:
Hedda: Does Penelope Cruz have a mole on her face?  I am sure she does, though I can’t get past her cheap accent and that mane of black hair flowing in her face.  Yes, I think she has a mole.

Best “Up and Comer” Award:
Hedda: Gabourey Sidibe hands down.  Let’s give around of applause to all those full figured black women out there and give them a box of donuts, cream filled, as their award.

Best Community Award Giving back to the LGBT community through film:
Hedda: I guess a Single Man.  Though after I watched that movie I felt fat, old and my apartment did not have enough smooth surfaces.  Leaving the theater I desperately needed a cigarette and a cocktail.  Instead I got some Ben & Jerry’s and a spoon and went home a dusted.

Stay fresh,

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