The grand event of the evening was a New Years Eve party, with a special screening of the Poseidon Adventure, followed by a spot light performance by dance diva Reina; Who would have thought that showing a movie about a boat being capsized by a 300 foot wave, while on a boat, would be such a damn good time. Having the entire audience get on their feet, and doing a New Years Eve Toast, along with ill-fated passengers of the Poseidon, was just magic. Stopping the movie right after the boat is turned upside down, silverware and Shelly Winter’s flung sky born, and then going into a dance party spun by DJ Michael Kessler was another festive stroke.

The next morning we ported in Cayman, and I had a wonderful day at one of the many gorgeous beaches that grace this piece of paradise. Or at least I think I did.   At this point I already started to develop Cruise Amnesia.  That is when you start to forget the day and the time; sometimes you even forget your gender.  That happens to me often, the gender forgetting thing that is.  Time seems to collapse on it self and you are just living in the moment, grazing all day in the ships cafeteria and soaking in the various hot tubs.  This temporary disease of the mind lasts until the final day on board, when the deadening reality of packing your belongings, and being cut off from the 24 accesses to soft serve ice cream, snaps you back into reality.

Wednesday we ported in Cozumel.  I left the ship for a quick moment and was bombarded by the native people trying to sell various souvenirs and trinkets.  Most people were overwhelmed by this, but being a native New Yorker, I am accustomed to people bugging the shit out of me, handing out flyers and begging for change, the moment my heel hits the pavement. At least these folks were dressed in festive island attire, sometimes playing colorful instruments, making them more charming than annoying. No, on second thought, they still mostly annoying.

Later that night a group of us dinned in the upscale steak house on the 10th floor, called The Golden Fleece (how gay is that name?). It was a separate $30 charge, but you would be getting 5 star service and exceptional food, making the price so worthwhile. Due to tight scheduling I had to come to the dining room in drag.  Nothing kills an appetite like a steel boned corset; when my surf and turf dish arrived, with the most sumptuous piece of filet mignon, I was determined to chow down.  Upon my first bite I knew my corset would win out and I had to make a drastic decision-either not eat or remove the offending undergarment. The offending undergarment had to go. Placing my napkin on the table I excused myself to ‘powder my nose’ and had one of my dining companions follow me to the men’s room. The men’s room you may be asking yourself?  That is the beauty of having the appearance of female breasts and a not so little secret resting south of my belly button- complete excremental freedom in either bathroom.

We proceeded to sneak into the only stall; at which point I had to step out of my dress, slip off my hose, remove my fake ass, and then undo my corset and shimmy out of it, in the space the size of a coffin.  I know, you’re disappointed, both Wonder Woman and I wear a padded ass.  Get over it. When the corset was off I felt immediate release, but before I could take a deep breath my friend said, “Let’s keep this moving, put your ass and your hose back on.” The ass went on in a jiffy, and as I was putting my foot into my nylon casing, someone walked into the bathroom, saw two sets of feet under the stall, one male and one seemingly female, with undergarments strewn about, and he made a b-line for the door.  We started to cackle with delight, what could of that person have thought?  Well, that was obvious. Two horny ship goers, turned on by the fragrant smell of the seas with the faint hint of Purell, decide to have sex in a stall. Sounds like something out of a Danielle Steel novel.

Realizing we both had a common goal, to get the hell back to our meal, I quickly sat down on the closed toilet seat to finish putting my hose on, my friend facing me, when out of nowhere another person came in. All these interruptions! This time this stranger stopped, looked at your feet, huffed, and left as well. To the untrained eye it must have looked like I was giving him head.  Yes, I had meat on my mind, filet mignon, but not dick and as fast I could I stood up and shimmied into my hose, put my dress back on and exited the bathroom.  I did not want the next person to enter be a security guard.  How would I have explained what just happened? “Before you make me walk the plank I wasn’t having sex, I really wanted to eat my steak so I came into the can to take off my corset.  You must believe me.”  Frankly, I would not have believed me if I told myself that story.

By the by, the dinner was delicious and I ate every bite, plus desert!

(The final installment on Monday, Nov. 9th)

Stay fresh,

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