Hello gentle Americans.  My stress levels are through the roof.  Having just 10 days to get myself together and head off to PTOWN for two months at times can seem like a daunting task.  How many pairs of hose do I have?  Do I have enough cosmetic foundation?  Do I need to purchase some new shoes or jewelry?  Is my music all done and if not what new songs do I need to record?  And most importantly how will I bid my lovers farewell?

Being gone for two months and not having a piece of the lettuce to bite into to can cause a man to go blind with unfulfilled passion.  Yes, I do mean legally blind.  The withdrawal from any drug can cause serious side effects and the withdrawal from the Lettuce is especially treacherous.  Here are some possible side effects that one might expect from not having sex with Hedda Lettuce:
1)    Blindness
2)    Balding
3)    Fallen arches
4)    Shriveled balls
5)    Loose sensation in your hands and elbows
6)    Memory lapses
7)    Misplacing your car keys
8)    Wearing white after Labor Day
9)    Cancer
10)     Inner ear infection
11)     Loss of appetite
12)     Obstructed bowels
13)     Finding Adam Sandler to be funny
14)     Watching ‘The Hills’
15)     Changing gender
16)     Farting
17)     Vaginal dryness
18)     Staring into the sun
19)     Murder
20)     Increased sensitivity to peanuts
There are many more nasty side effects but I don’t have the time to write them all for I have to get my ass ready to leave town!

Stay fresh,


  • melody

    dear sir, am a man aged 23 and single as of now. when i had a girl frien, we used to make love thrice every week. as of now, i just wanted to know if there are any side effect of not having sex, because its now 8 months without doing it. thank you..

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