Hello gentle Americans. I am embarrassed to say that I am watching Rachel Ray this morning and they are talking about bikinis. Since summer is just around the corner women all across the world are dreading bathing suit weather and with good cause-most bathing suits look like shit on woman who are not supermodel slim.

Now what asshole coined the term: Tankini? What is a Tankini? It is hybrid much like a cockapoo, mixing two things together to create one cute little thing. In this case they blended a tank top with a bikini and wala you get a tankini. Sadly it does not roll off the tongue very well and listening to Rachel and her assistant say that annoying word over and over again made me want to hurl my Lucite pump at the TV.

Right at this moment she has Kim Kardashian on the show. One of those made up celebrities created in some laboratory and than force fed to us ad nauseam. She is like a build a bear, they just picked her out from the store and put this creature together: big doll eyes, black hair, large breasts, big ass and no shame.

Predictably they are talking about her huge ass and how she has made peace with it and in doing so embraced her differences. I wanted to throw my other Lucite pump at the TV but I like my TV and my pump too much to waste it on such vapid woman. Kim you talk about your ass like you have overcome some crippling birth defect and in doing so came out a better person. It is just a huge ass Kim, most woman on the planet have one!

I am so over the swine flu. It is out of my control and I can only take simple steps to prevent it from happening to me. What are these steps that I can share with you?
1) Anonymous sex spreads germs gentle Americans so step away from the platform.
2) Walking to my destinations instead of taking the subway and if I have to take the subway I won’t take it during rush hour.
3) I won’t shake hands anymore and if someone puts their hand out greet me I will just do an Obama bump.
4) Not leaving my house and cooking my own food until the virus passes.
5) Putting myself in a cryogenic state until 2012 and being unfrozen at that time.

Stay fresh,
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Hello gentle Americans. Has the swine flu got you down? If your anything like me you are ready and waiting to get your protective mask out, a gallon of Purell and stock up on supplies. I am not only one living fear. While I was at the gym yesterday I overheard a trainer talking to a client:

TRAINER
“I am supposed to go to Mexico in July I hope this thing clears up in time for my vacation.”

CLIENT
“Yes my fiancé and I were planning on going to Cabo next week but luckily before all this broke out we changed our ticket.”

TRAINER
“Cool. Though the longer this goes on by the time it ends think of the amazing deals you’ll be able to get in Mexico?”

Yes people she was living in fear that her vacation would be screwed up because of this global pandemic; on the bright side she just can’t wait to walk over the bodies to check into her 4 star hotel in Puerto Vallarta. Now that’s a thrifty New Yorker!

Now none of us can predict how long or the severity of this outbreak, but right now I am in the Lettuce Laboratory in sunny Chelsea working on an amazing product: The Burkha-sphere.

A WHITE BURKHA FOR SUMMER

I have taken a simple Burkha used in those dusty dark lands overseas and I have installed a HEPA Filter, a catheter to remove waste and the ability to grow your own vegetables underneath. The HEPA FILTER removes bacteria and impurities in the air, the catheter removes waste so you don’t have to use any filthy public restrooms again and with the added bonus of growing your own fresh vegetables, thus insuring quality, this is must have for every family. In essence I have created your very own biosphere and that’s why my amazing product is called the Burkha-Sphere. And with the added bonus of never having to touch a doorknob again makes this product a keeper. Plus it will come in five designer colors so it is not the old fashioned Burkha you mama once wore! It should be unveiled hopefully by weeks end so I will keep you posted!

Stay fresh,

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