Hello gentle American’s. Madonna needs to be stopped. This middle-aged pop twat decided that 3 children are not enough and headed over to Malawi with her first born, Lourdes, to snatch another.

What a lovely day of bonding between Lordes (which I thinks means girl of the one eyebrow in Spanish) and her mom. Man-donna showed her daughter how you can go into a dirt-poor country, pick out a child, stuff them in a Louis Vinton bag and take them home to Madonna-land. I guess that’s the equivalent of the average person going to the pet store with their kid to pick out a puppy? But when you’re a filthy rich it’s a human puppy. And the one they picked out is a lucky 4-year-old girl who’s apparently already house broken so Madge won’t have to worry about this kid pissing on the couch. Also along for the ride was her son David, her first abducted… I meant adopted child from Malawi. I guess Madonna wanted David to have the fear of God put in him so whenever he get’s a little snippy she can turn to him and say, “Hey David if you don’t eat all your broccoli I will send you back to your cardboard hut in Africa.”

It’s also a day of celebration; Mariah Carey just celebrated her 39th birthday with her boy toy husband Nick Cannon in sunny Barbados. Nick gave the pop slut a very special birthday present- a brand new shorthaired Jack Russell puppy named Cha-Cha. What else do you give the girl who already has everything? A child from Malawi? I am sure that’s what he had in the other box. I wonder though if the kid was not the right size could she return it for store credit?

When one thinks of a brand new show that is fun for the whole family they think of Ozzy Osbourne and his brood, right? Well that is what Fox is about to push down our throats in a new program called Osbourne’s: Reloaded. It will be filled with music, surprises, reality pieces and studio elements that will make your whole family twitter with glee. My poonani is twittering just thinking about it. Sadly though there will be no biting the heads off bats, pill popping or bitch slaps. All that good stuff will be off camera and we will be left with that other crap. When will someone put a fork in this family and tell them the magic is over? I am not going to be the one to do it of course, because Sharon would kick the living shit out of me, so I leave it up to one of you. I value my face far too much, as do most of my fans, to put myself in the way of harm. That is why I won’t be watching the show as well, because I value my brain too much also.

Stay fresh,

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Hedda Lettuce

Hello gentle American’s. I had a spectacular weekend filled with celebrities, swag bags and long-winded exception speeches.

Chris Noth

The GLAAD AWARDS celebrated their 20th year at the Marriot Marque, honoring those (with a statuette and free booze) who portrayed gays and lesbians in a positive light in the media. GLAAD (gay and lesbian alliance against defamation) mission is simple: Promoting and ensuring fair, accurate and inclusive representation of people and events in the media as a means of eliminating homophobia and discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation. Holy crap that is one hell of a mission!

Suzie Orman

The big honoree of the evening was Tyra Banks and the exceptionally creepy Clay Aiken presented her with the prestigious excellence award. When he stepped onto the stage I think he was expecting a rousing applause from the well-connected and well-dressed crowd but instead he received strange stares and a polite round of applause. A pity fuck so to speak. Just because you come out as gay does not mean you are going to be welcome into our fold. It takes more than just sucking cock for us to say, “Heh, it’s great to have you.” He also was one of the only celebrities backstage that would not let you take a photo with him. Who does Clay think he is, Barbra Streisand?

Phil Donahue

But there were many bigger celebs that were more than happy to have their photo’s taken with this green gal: Suzie Orman, Chris Noth, Tim Gunn and Phil Donahue. Who is Phil Donahue? He had the longest running talk show in television history-29 years folks. When I told a friend I had a picture taken with him he flatly stated, “I thought he was dead.” He made me show him the photo to prove my claim was true. Even after he looked at it he still did not believe me. Like I would go to Phil’s grave, dig him up, drag him to the Marriot Marque, prop him up and take the photo. I don’t even have the energy sometimes to brush my teeth in the morning let alone dig up the dead.

Congratulations to those honored: Tyra Banks, Suzie Orman, Romaine Patterson, Phil Donahue and Keith Olbermann. And a special shout out to the amazing host of the evening- the incomparable Kate Clinton.

Christian Sirianno

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Hedda Lettuce